A Heartfelt Loss

How to begin?  This post is difficult to write, and it is for that reason that I haven't blogged for some months now...

As the summer drew to a close, my mother's health continued to decline due to terminal cancer. It was then with an extremely heavy heart that I left her to return to seminary in Rome, knowing that it would be the last time that we would be together.  How difficult a parting that was, and yet I knew that she was being lovingly cared for by my father, family, friends, and hospice staff.  Various priests had been able to visit and pray with her and bring her the sacraments, too, which was a huge blessing.

Soon after arriving back in Italy, I spent a week-long silent retreat with my classmates in the Alban Hills outside of Rome, in preparation for our ordination to the diaconate.  During those blessed days, I truly could sense a feeling of spiritual warmth and peace that could only come from God's love and the prayers of others.   Towards the end of the retreat, I received notification that my dear mother had passed.  Those next hours and days seemed like a blur, with the feelings of peace and hope mixing with sorrow and tears.  The Lord is ever ready to hear us and in moments of heartache, it is so consoling to know that Jesus is with us and that suffering is not meaningless.  As the retreat winded down, I spent the remainder of the time alternating between spending time with the Lord in adoration in the chapel, soaking up the beautiful mountain views outdoors, and delving deeper into Scripture, all of which brought healing and consolation.  

In the spiritual life, the more we feel loss, the more we recognize the need for God, and how true that is in my own life.  Losing a parent is never easy, but if it is earlier than one would think, that makes it that much more difficult.  However, one of the graces of being a Catholic Christian is that we can take solace in the devotion to the Virgin Mary, whom we honor as a role-model of faith.  Her perfect submission to God's will, allowed for the birth of our Savior, Jesus.  She was with Him at the end of His earthly life, and we embrace the words of John 19:26-27: 

When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to her, “Woman, here is your son,” and to the disciple, “Here is your mother.” From that time on, this disciple took her into his home.

To be clear, we do not worship Mary, but in her humble "yes" to God, she leads us to Christ and intercedes to Him on our behalf.  No one on earth was as close to Jesus as His earthly mother.  We can learn from her, so I turn to her in a deeper way now, following the example of St. John the beloved apostle.

I owe so much to my mother, especially her Catholic faith, that she lived in a simple, joy-filled, and childlike way with trust in God's deep plan for all of us.  She had a wonderful way of encouraging others to be the best they could be and sought to share God's love with them in countless ways. 

I have long felt close to God in the wonders of His creation and have a great love of nature and of wild places, which I inherited from my parents.  My mom had a beautiful way with little children and of seeing God's providence in the smallest details, whether in the flight of a butterfly or the appearance of a dove, or in the singing waters of a babbling brook.  

Her steadfast love as a mother, wife, and daughter serves a constant reminder of how to cherish and serve others with Christ's love.

May we meet again in our heavenly homeland!  You are forever in my heart dearest Mom and may you rest in peace surrounded by Jesus's love!  

_____

Upon returning back to Rome, after the retreat, I turned my focus towards the last minute details before diaconate ordination.  My father, as well as other guests would soon arrive in the Eternal City and there was much to do, for it was decided that I would fly home for the funeral after my ordination, in order to give more time for my extended family to be present for the funeral. 

I'll speak more about diaconate in my next post!